musings

20/08/2025 -> I've been a bit absent due to a trip. God... was it something. I shall not divulge much except how taxing it is to be the black sheep in a family, especially a family of 6. How is no one else even sort of akin to me? How is it that I feel so deeply alone? How am I made to be a creature, despite how normal and boring I've felt for the past 6 years? I pray for strength in the next 2 years. I hpe God has not forsaken me after I have shouldered the burden He has given to me..

26/07/2025 -> I still hate the grocery store. Sometimes i wonder if i am actually autistic and then i freak out at the grocery store like what is actually wrong with me? I worry about being a freak, I worry about being a weirdo, I worry I will never be able to grocery shop again... I for sure cannot with people. I got mad at my friends, how awful am I? and about a grocery store. God i want to be normal so badly in times like this. I wish i was always palatable. I wish that "slightly autistic" was real, and that I had it. That I was only quirky, that my autism was just being weird about the stuff I like, and I had none of the sensory or social issues... oh well. I have a ginger cider beside me and my emerson rolled us a joint and lindsy is going to cook us dinner. There is beauty even in despair...

25/07/2024 -> I am struggling with percieving myself. the burden of people being excited to meet me is almost maddening, as I beg them to keep their expectations low... my vapidity becomes more striking to me each day, as I spend time around the actually intersting and challenging minds of my circle. I adore them, of course, my most treasured friends but I cannot help but know deep down that I do not compare. After an entire degree, I hardly know anything about either subject I majored in. They will catch onto that soon, I'm sure, and their disapointment will sting... maybe even burn...

24/07/2025 -> I drove through the mountains today, and I think I became my father. They say girls become their mothers... I am most certainly morphing into my father. What does that say about me? As I drove, with a baseball cap and sunglasses on, blasting the tragically hip, all I could think about was how I should have worn a long sleeve shirt and my compression gloves.. I am just like him. I hope I do not inherit his stubbornness, but I do hope that I keep his love. I hope to be able to provide for my loved ones the way he has, and I hope not to worry as much, like he does.

17/07/2025 -> I think my hometown was designed to be my own personal hell. Nothing about a well manicured suburb appeals to me, or soothes my soul. How empty is life when you can't even walk to a cafe in the morning? My precious 4 dollar purchase, my soul yearns for you... soon I shall be able to do that again. My own apartment, my own space, away from my horrific hometown...

16/07/2025 -> I am in awe of this conventionally attractive man matching with me on hinge. I am in awe of being stopped on the streets just to be told that my aura is beautiful. I am in awe of being asked to decide which man has a cooler shirt. I am in awe of how two men hit on me in a lesbian bar by claiming theyd met me before. I am in awe that my visible moustache, my weight and my height have not deterred male attention... if anything I've recieved more. I think I've just got my tits out more...

04/07/2025 -> i keep making my roommate go to a terrible vintage store with me just to see the man who works there... the more i see him, the less attractive i find him. fleeting glances merge into one full stare and suddenly i've realized i dont like the look of him but i keep asking her to go in and we pretend to look at the same clothes that are too small for us that we browsed two days ago